Being laid off at age 54 is a traumatic experience, even when the economy is good shape. Being laid off at age 54 in the current climate is cause for instant panic. Suddenly, the world becomes a cold, unfriendly place, full of unsympathetic creditors, unresponsive companies who claim to be hiring people right in your field of expertise, computer glitches that hold up unemployment checks and the frightening countdown to the day when health insurance runs out.
All the stages of grief gallop through your mind at the same time. Anger, denial, bargaining with God – everything but acceptance. Because you know, by accepting the circumstances of your layoff, you are tempting fate to insure you never get another decent job.
Around me, all sorts of companies and organizations from banks to car manufacturers were getting rescued from their financial troubles even as they continued to bleed cash and jobs. A lot of noise was made about programs to help homeowners, yet, I still ended up living with the threat that after being booted from my job I would be booted from my home.
In the end, I gave myself my own bailout. I cashed in my retirement account, and paid off the majority of debt accumulated as 12 years as a single mom. I lost a good deal of money to fines and fees, and I dread filing my next tax return. But I am lucky. Three months after being laid off, I found a new job. It involved a small cut in pay, but came with a much shorter commute and full medical benefits. As others struggle to find work and the unemployment figures continue to rise, I know I’ve been truly blessed.
The surprising part is, that while the new job is, of course, a great blessing, I’ve come to see that it is the layoff itself that was the biggest blessing. Without demonizing my former employer it is fair to say that my job there had become, if not like hell, certainly like purgatory. I watched good work go unrecognized and unrewarded and witnessed political infighting become necessary for career advancement. Massaging egos became more important than the mission of the organization. It was heartbreaking, and yet, I hung on to the smallest glimmer of hope that things would change. So, the layoff was a shock, but not a surprise. The surprise has been discovering how battered I was, and how far back I had to come, just to have the courage to move on.
Today, I can look back and understand just how beaten down I had become. I see how methodically I was stripped of confidence to the point of no longer trusting my professional instincts. I went from leading to following to being left behind on the trail. I spent a lot of useless time trying to regain my foothold and prove my worth. But even the Dalai Lama, who preaches finding the happiness in whatever work you do, admits that there can come a breaking point, a time to move on.
I’m starting over in many respects, again a frightening thing at my age. I’ve got no financial safety net, but I have my home and food on the table. Best of all, I’ve peeled away the battered person I was and I’ve found ME. There is fulfillment and joy in my work again, which makes me a happier, more loving person to my family and friends. And that is what counts, at any age.
